Finding yourself in Baltimore

For eight amazing years I have been a wife. For 4 blessed years I have been a Mom. I can not thank God enough for my husband and my children. I would die for them in a second. I have cried tears of joy for them and I have cried tears hurting for them. I love them more than words could describe.

I have discussed how stressful at times it being a police wife, military wife and Mom all while working and keeping the household. I have realized that life can be heavy at times. As a wife and Mom I have responsibilities. I get to shape two lives and hope that I don't mess up. I am blessed to get to wash stains out of tiny clothes, clean the toilet of a growing boy and play with the curls of a precious girl. I know how blessed I am. No one has to tell me how fortunate I am to have a husband who works so many hours to provide for us. His job is to not only provide for his family but to protect our community, state and nation. I am proud of him. I love my life and my family.

When Justin told me about being picked to go NAGUS (National Guard Association of the United States) I was so happy. To my surprise spouses get to go also. I was so excited to have a few days in a new city. We planned and got scheduled to go. I was so excited. Justin informed me he would have meetings during the day and that I would get to do whatever I wanted during the day.....WHATEVER I WANTED....that has not happened...well in years.

When we arrived I was already so excited to explore and see the city up close and personal. I got Justin's schedule and from there figured out that I truly would get time for myself. On Saturday I woke up to breakfast that Justin had gotten for me and was pumped to get the day started. I ate went and talked to some of the other wives, grabbed a coffee my camera and hit the road. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do but I walked and walked and walked. For the first time in a long time I was just Tiffany. I had almost forgotten what that felt like. No one needed a single thing from me and it was liberating. I was able to walk at my own pace. I got to witness a row boating event, amazing street art and found some historical sites. I had no idea what was at the next curve and my excitement was through the roof. I took pictures and people watched.  After realizing I had walked about 7 miles I went to the hotel and relaxed. I realized then how important it is to not lose yourself. I had lost the Tiffany in myself. I realized that my Tiffany spark was dim and needed to be relit. As spouses and parents we need to care for ourselves also. We have to take a step back sometimes....it needs to be more than a grocery store trip alone or driving to or from work alone. Each person needs time to themselves. It needs to be longer than nap time or at bed time. This trip helped me be Tiffany.


Justin and I got to go to dinner with some people we had met and had fun talking about life. We walked home and talked and acted silly. It was so needed. We ended the night calling the hogs in victory!

Roy boating was so fun!! I love how it was a charity event! 

 

I loved walking the shore! 

Art was everywhere! This was so beautiful! 

I met this sweet lady while helping her cross the street. She has to walk so far to pick her prescriptions up. She said she does take a taxi...sometimes.  

 

The next day I got up early again. I went to the hospitality room. (A room that Arkansas NAGUS members got for AR people to hang out in, chat and eat). I hit the ground running and explored some more. I got to witness a beautiful 9/11 memorial and pay respect. I walked to Little Italy which I loved so so much. The homes are so fun and cute. The smells of delicious foods wafted through a the streets. I think this may have been my favorite spot of the whole city. I realized on this day that so many homeless ask for food instead of money. I decided to carry some chips or crackers with me for the ones who asked. My heart breaks for the homeless and I feel a need to help in any ways I can. People are people no matter their status and sometimes one nice person can change a persons life but more on that another time.
That night we went to a fun function with all of the SEC states at the Hard Rock. It was loud, fun and hilarious.

The 9/11 memorial. Touching and beautiful.

The steel beams that was apart of the twin towers.

I LOVED little Italy. It was cozy, cute and smelled great!

I mean how cute are these!!

I love old buildings and this church was top notch it beauty.

 

 

 By the last day I was exhausted from walking 10 miles a day and my feet hurt. I only went out for a little while. I found Poes grave which was so cool. A piece of history right in front of me. The cemetery was old and full of history. So much death and life all rolled into one. The trees full of leaves and vines with bright green leaves climbing the grounds. It was a beautiful morning. Then I went to watch Trump speak which was ummm....interesting. My favorite part was going outside and seeing the protesters. I immediately crossed the street to be in the middle of the protest and see it up close. So many people protesting so many things. I loved the passion. Some for Trump some against. Some black lives matter and some all lives matter. Some just protesting what they believe. It was amazing. I felt so alive. I realized then that the news does not show this type of protests. It was peaceful. People in conversations that you could see the intensity of both sides yet no violence. Each person respecting the man beside them. I realized then that America is not as bad as the media describes.

Justin and I then went to eat some of the best sushi ever.
We ended the night at the formal states dinner. It was fun talking to everyone and enjoying a great meal. Plus its always fun to dress fancy.

How cool is this. School kids would collect pennies to raise money for his grave. Now people will put pennies on his grave. The money goes to keeping the grounds.

So much life in a site that is for the dead.

 

Loved getting dressed up and having a night out with Justin. So fun!

I was so excited to come home and see the kids. I missed them so much but I came home a new and improved version of myself. I learned that I can not let myself go. I have to remember that God made to be a wife, Mom and Tiffany. I learned that a husband and wife need more time together than just when the kids go to bed at night. I learned that to be a happy wife and mom I need to be a happy Tiffany. It was  trip I will forever hold near to my heart.  Never lose your self. Always know how blessed you. Never lose your light.
xo-Tiffany

The struggle is real

Here I am on a Saturday night sitting on the couch mad at myself. It happens all too often. You see I'm very stubborn and I know this about myself. No one has to tell me this fault I have. With being stubborn I also have the tendency to not ask for help when I need it.
 Justin just got home from being out of town yesterday. Lets just say it was a long week with many exhausted nights and a few tears shed by all. We all jumped for joy when he got home yesterday afternoon. He works so much when he is home but he is home at night so I can vent about my day or watch a silly show with him. I don't have to sit on the couch eating chips and salsa alone. When he is away it sucks. I will just be honest. It sucks.  I love my children deeply but having two sets of hands during meals, bath and bed time is such a relief. Some days I'm so tired and some days the kids are just bad. I mean I cant blame them..we all have bad days. Some days I pray that someone will come and say "hey I'm taking them to the park for a few...don't you need to go to the grocery store". The only person who could do that on those days is a psychic and I don't any of those. When Justin is home our life is balanced.  Justin is the level headed one. He is the one that plays with the kids so I can clean or shower or maybe even nap. He takes Jax fishing or will go to the park with Aria. He is their Dad and my husband and we miss him when he is away. I had to text my wonderful sister in law Kristina one day when the kids and I had an off day. She gave me some encouraging words that I cant thank her enough for. She reminded me that they are only little once and to ask for help. She also said that long car rides are a life saver...boy isn't that the truth. My problem though is asking for help. Its just SO hard for me. I like to put on the face of "strong' Mom and the Mom who can do it all....all the time...365 days a year.  The one who can manage the whole house hold when her husband is gone. Most days I can but some days I just want a break. Don't get me wrong my family does help but sometimes I feel like I have to ask 5 people before I get a yes. So I know I have many people to help but deep down I just want someone to offer to help without me asking. I hate that I'm the type of person that would rather kill myself trying to do it myself than to ask for help. I have always been like this. Also I hate asking because I hate being told no. I hate it. It always feels personal even though I know its not. Uggg I'm so complicated. I mean really though I am venting knowing that I will still not ask for help as often as I should...ha.
With all of that being said I will take you to why I'm mad at myself today.
 It is the first Razorback game today and Justin's weekend to work. So he is home but neither of use have gotten a break. Its been a very busy weekend in the town of PG. The biggest football game of the year, parades and square dance take over the whole weekend. With that said when we found out that Justin's 10 year reunion was tonight I never in a million years thought that Justin would be off of work in time to actually attend. I of course in my routine of not wanting to ask for help did not find a sitter. Which in my defense I truly did not think he was going until it was 7pm and kind of late to get a sitter. But that still leads to me being mad at myself. I should have at least set a sitter up and called to cancel if he could not go. I have always been so excited for our class reunions. I love seeing what everyone is doing with their life outside of social media. So I will sit and I will be sad all night and I can only blame myself.

So I guess its facebook stalking, Pinterest and fixer upper it is on this wild Saturday night.

PS if you know a parent whos spouse or significant other travels alot...maybe offer to hangout or help them when you see them struggling. If you know a single parent....maybe offer some help with the little one. It could make that persons day and save the guilt of asking for help.

Letting go and being free

         This past Sunday at Church it was Bikers Sunday. We have an amazing Motorcycle Club at our Church that does so much for the community. One of the biggest events they do is work Bikes Blues and BBQ. A huge motorcycle rally in Northwest Arkansas. They pour their hearts into it every year. They tell the gospel, give out waters and truly let their love for Jesus show.

         Every Sunday before Bikes and Blues we have Bikers Sunday. The founder and leader of the club  Pastor Jimmy and his wife Peggy will do the message during service. They have always done such a great job but yesterday really spoke to me. It spoke to me so much that I decided to open my blog which has sat stagnant for far too long.

         They spoke a message on Fear, Anger, Un-Forgiveness and Imagination. What I am going to go over is what I learned. I feel like not only Christians need to work on these things but every soul on this planet we call home need to work on these four things. I feel like people really believe that their feelings are the only feelings that matter. I wrote so much of the message down on Sunday that I decided I would share. Maybe, just maybe someone will let go of something they have held onto for way too long.

We are all souls in a fleshly body. Every soul seeks something to fulfill it. As a Christian I should seek the Lord to fulfill my soul and my life. So many times I let these four things into my soul and it affects every aspect of my life. It affects my heart, my family, my friends and my mind.

1. Fear
Fear is having faith in a negative way. We have faith that something bad will happen. We have faith that nothing will go our way. We have faith in all the wrong things. Our souls get into the flight or flight mode. So often our fear can lead us too rushing to conclusions.  As a Mom I could easily live a life of being fearful. The world is a scary place. Its easy to allow my mind to go to places and situations that possibly could happen. It would be easy to put my children in bubbles and not let them experience life. Its easy to think of all the darkness and want to never leave my house. As a Christian this is a passage that I should hold in my heart and speak over my children and over my fearful thoughts. Psalms 1:1-16

91 He who dwells in athe shelter of the Most High

will abide in bthe shadow of the Almighty.

2  I will say1 to the Lord, “My crefuge and my dfortress,

my God, in whom I etrust.”

3  For he will deliver you from fthe snare of the fowler

and from the deadly pestilence.

4  He will gcover you with his pinions,

and under his hwings you will ifind refuge;

his jfaithfulness is ka shield and buckler.

5  lYou will not fear mthe terror of the night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6  nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,

nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

7  A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

8  You will only look with your eyes

and nsee the recompense of the wicked.

9  Because you have made the Lord your odwelling place—

the Most High, who is my crefuge2—

10  pno evil shall be allowed to befall you,

qno plague come near your tent.

11  rFor he will command his sangels concerning you

to tguard you in all your ways.

12  On their hands they will bear you up,

lest you ustrike your foot against a stone.

13  You will tread on vthe lion and the wadder;

the young lion and xthe serpent you will ytrample underfoot.

14  “Because he zholds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he aknows my name.

15  When he bcalls to me, I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and chonor him.

16  With dlong life I will satisfy him

and eshow him my salvation.”

I need to let go of the fear I hold onto. I need to allow life to happen as the Lord has planned. I need to be happy and live in the present not the "maybe could' or "what if's". Life is precious thing and I want to enjoy every moment as it happens. Bad things will happen but no matter how far you get knocked down the Lord will be there to allow you rise up. I like to say rising from the ashes of pain only makes you a shinier diamond. ( I must be a shiny diamond ) :)

2. Anger and unforgiveness
These two things go hand in hand. We allow anger to eat at us to the point of hate. To the point of no return. We let it lead our thoughts and take over our hearts. We try to convince ourselves that our anger is justified. When someone does something wrong to us we feel like our anger and hate is allowed because its us that was wronged. As a Mom I could easily get very angry at someone if they did something to Jax or Aria. I have to realize that I have to let go of that anger. I love my family dearly but anger and unforgiveness have completely torn it apart. I'm thankful that I am both like my Mom and Dad. My Mom would hold a grudge literally forever and my Dad forgave and forgave. I definitely took after my Dad on this one. It saddens me that my family is so torn but I can do nothing but love everyone and pray. Things happened that where wrong and things said that was hurtful and heart piercing but my heart forgives. I realized about 6 years ago that I have to let go and love everyone. I cant let that anger and unforgiveness be with me forever.
As a Christian I have sinned on more accounts than I can say. I have done things that are shameful. I have not been perfect. No one is perfect. Jesus died for those sins. When I asked for forgiveness he gave it with no questions asked.
Matthew 6: 14-15 "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
So how is it that I expect to be forgiven for every sin I commit but not do the same for anyone else. I have gotten so angry that my blood boils and I shake. I get this feeling that I think is the same feeling Hulk gets when he turns into Hulk. Its something I deal with on a daily basis. I mean don't go to gator golf with me... Its not something I am proud of but I have learned to let it go. I can't continue to be mad at someone or something and expect them to forgive me when I do wrong.  That is not how this works. We need to let go of the hurt that has been eating at us.. We need to let go of the entitlement we have that our right is the only right.  We have to lay it down at the cross and not take it with us when we get up. We need to forgive those that haven't even asked for forgiveness. I have had things done to me and have lived a life that being bitter and angry could easily have taken over my life. I couldn't let that happen. We have to pray. Not only pray but listen to the answer. So often Christians feel let down because we pray and pray but we don't have the patience to get the answer. It may not be the answer we always want but its the answer we need. Sometimes He will want us to reach out and say ' I forgive you and I love you and the past is the past"  He may want us to do it through letter, email or maybe He is wanting us to do it face to face. We are made in his image. I don't think his image is a grumpy, grudge holding, judgmental person. Letting go of anger is freeing yourself from a weight we may not even know we've been carrying.
Life is too beautiful to not share it. Life is too short to be full of hate and bitterness. Our hearts cant handle being angry forever. I really think that the weight of that anger affects our physical body. It can drag it down and make our whole body hurt. Letting it go can free yourself of pain.

3. Imagination
This is something that can turn something so tiny into something so large. It can cause marriages to be torn. Friendships to be lost.  It can cause lies to be told. Sin starts in the mind. We think of something and it can grow and grow until one day we wake up and have done what was only an "innocent" thought. We can sit and imagine something bad happen and then we let fear and imagination turn something that hasn't happened into a reality in our hearts. We need to fill our thoughts with happiness. We need to allow ourselves to be free and full of love.

      Allowing ourselves to be free from these four things can lead to a life of healing. It can allow our hearts to be free from darkness. I can proudly say that I hate no one. I may not want to spend quality time with some people but my heart is free from hate. Look to the Lord and allow Him to free you of hurt and pain. Its a very simple thing. Talk to him, PRAY. He listens and he answers. Be patient and know that you are loved, even in the darkness you may be in. Never give up. Pray and pray and pray.

Pray for our Church's bikers ministry as they go out and minister and speak their hearts during Bikes and Blues. Pray for the cyclists as they travel too and from the events. Its a busy week and the Lord works wonders.

        

Road Trippin

Myself, Jax, Aria and my cousins Dawson and Preslie took a little road trip to Colorado Springs area over spring break. We went to visit my aunt their nana and my cousin Erik and his four kids. It was a great time. The actual driving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be with 2 little ones. The key.....movie player and food....lots of food. We had a whole box of food for Jax to eat. And Im pretty sure he ate and ate and ate. We left at around 3am and drove straight the whole way. Well I drove the whole way.

Besides visit with family we went to Garden of the Gods which was so much fun. Jax was totally of his normal schedule and didn't nap at all. So he was more difficult than I was hoping. He wasn't in the best of moods at garden of the gods but he had moments of pure joy. It was fun...although not the best decision to take my stroller on the hiking trails.....

We also went to Cave of the Winds which again Jax was tired and slightly grumpy but it was so cool and view was amazing. Aria slept pretty much the whole time in the carrier. My back was not so happy lol. Preslie did a ropes course and zip line that she enjoyed. Jax and Layla did a big box maze and Jax got his head stuck in a whole....which was totally stressful because it truly was stuck. I had to take Aria off in a jiffy and climb in and literally pull his head out. The whole I was thinking I would have to call someone to deconstruct the whole thing to get him out. \He loved playing in the water sifting for rocks.

My favorite moment of the whole trip though would have to be the night all of my little cousins and I stayed up really late talking, telling stories and laughing. It was such a sweet moment and will be a memory forever. I also really enjoyed watching walking dead with Erik and having the mortal combat night with Erik Dawson and Preslie. Such sweet memories. Nothing is better than cousin time. I wish we could see them more! It was a great trip overall!