Growing up in the south I always pictured myself as a classic southern belle mom. I pictured myself with a perfectly clean house all the time. Cooking a full course dinner everynight. Children who listen without having to be told more than once. A perfect husband, a perfect family, a perfect life.
I always had this expectation of how my life would be. It would be like the shows of the 50s. The perfect American life. Boy was I off by a long shot.
Icant I tell you how much I have learned in the past 6 years of being a wife, and the 2 years of being a mother. Life will never be like it is on those classic 50's shows. Justin and I will not see eye to eye on everything. Sometimes my house will be a total mess. Sometimes a box of mac and cheese will be dinner. Sometimes I want to scream! This is ok. This is life. Life is never perfect for anyone. What we need to realize is to turn it over to God and let him be our guide in life.
I didnt get much sleep lastnight so obviously when Jax woke up at 6:30 this morning he woke up to one very grumpy mother. I was mad and frustrated because all I wanted was to sleep. I wanted to close my eyes and not open them for at least 2 more hours. But that didnt happen. I later felt bad about being mad at a 2 year old for waking up. As I was dozing off on the couch while Jax played and Aria napped I woke to Jax with his dirty diaper off and again I got mad. Why oh why would he do that. Again I was frustrated at my 2 year old for not being perfect. I got him cleaned off and realized that this mom needed some coffee to make it to nap time.
Sometimes I get so mad at Jax for not being perfect all the time. I have to step back sometimes and realize that he is only 2 and will NEVER be perfect. He will get into things he knows he shouldnt, he will destroy his pefectly clean room in a matter of minutes, he wont eat everything I sit in front of him, he wont sleep in most days and he will not listen on the first time most of the time. And even as he ages and becomes a man he wont be perfect. He isnt perfect....no one is. Somedays I will be so worn out from him that I go to bed right after I put him down.
His warm hugs, kisses and laugh make all of this worth it. It makes the short nights and long days worth it. The joy he has in life makes me have joy in life. He is so happy and so stubborn all wrapped into one sweet Jax. I still have so much to learn!
On the days I just want to scream because he isnt acting the way I expect him to act I have realized that as a Christian this frustration and love I have as a mom must be what God feels towards me on most days. As a child of God we have expectations and I know that I dont always do what I should. That no matter how far off I get to meeting his expectations God still loves me even though we are not meeting them all the time. How should I as a mom expect so much from my own children when I am so far sometimes from meeting our heavenly fathers expectations as a christian. God doesnt yell and scream out of anger at me when I do wrong. He doesnt walk away from us. He reminds us how much he loves us and when we turn to Him he is there with open arms. I have realized that I need to have more patience as a mother. That when Jax and soon Aria have days that make me go crazy I need to take a step back and turn to God before I discipline or say something hurtful. I need to be more mindful of what I say and do out of anger and out of exhaustion. This doesnt mean Jax will never get spanking or never get a stern talking to but I need to do this out of love and not out of my anger at the moment. No one is perfect. No life is perfect. No marriage is perfect. Nothing on this earth is perfect. The more I grow the more I realize that this is ok. That God has my back and by giving him my everything blessings will follow.
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