Beginnings

As a 25 year old women I can say that my life has been anything but ordinary. Yet so ordinary all at the same time. I have lived in the same town since i was a toddler. I have had the same best friends since I can remember. I have a loving family, and grew up in church. Sounds like a regular ol gal from the south. Right?

I have many friends, but not very many of them know the true me. The me that has had more heartache than I thought a person of 25 should have. A person who fears rejection almost as much as death itself. A person that wears her heart on her sleeve 24 hours a day, yet so strong at the same time. That is why I decided to start a blog. To display life from my point of view. For people to see the real me from memories, and my perspective of the people that mean so much to me. It will be about heartache, love, laughter, faith, some hard times and the best times of my life thus far. I hope that anyone who reads this can see a little bit into my heart and the life I have been blessed with. Just dont judge on my grammer.....

These song lyrics inspired me to make this blog
.Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...


My biggest pet peeve is when people who have had a hard time in life use that as an excuse to make bad decisions.

I was born Tiffany Nicole Smith. I dont know much about my birth, or my early infant life. From whan I have been told I was a very good baby. What I do know is that I was adopted by my biological fathers parents, Lawrence and Belva Siffing when I was no more than 2. The only people I have ever called Mom and Dad. I do not hold any grudge towards my bio mom, she did what she thought was best. I thank her for that. I know she loves me, for she gave me life and a wonderful one she gave. My parents raised me as their own. They loved me no matter how much of a brat I was......because from the stories I was big BRAT! We lived in a old run down yellow house, that I still love dearly. My mom stayed at home, because lets face it working was not her strong point lol. But my dad worked at campbell soup till retirement. He was the hardest working man I have ever known. I still remember waking up sometimes when he left while it was still very dark outside. He worked for that many years and never once used a sick day. My life was as typical as it gets. I roamed the fields by my house, swam at the creek, gave my mom heck most of the time. I went to church on sundays with my aunt Rhonda. My best friend Morgan lived down the road from me. My parents spent many an evening taking me to softball, basketball, gymnastics and cheer practices. My Mom was known  for her outspoken nature amoung my friends, if she didnt like you then you knew it. She cooked like no other women iv met. I took that for granted big time. She was my best friend. I told her EVERYTHING which sometimes caused grief with my friends. She let me stay up late to watch Dateline, and shows I should not have been able to watch lol.I can still see her standing at a birthdy party in her moo moo yelling my name to pick me up....she was that mom. My yard had lawn mower parts all over the place. That was my dads biggest hobby. I remember my cousins and I chasing him on the riding mower wanting to ride with him as he mowed. He always had a joke. If you were a close friend of mine and came over alot you probably heard this one. "Have you ever seen a catfish" "yes" "which way did it hold its pole'. He loves to scare us kids by grabbing our leg while he drove, or hiding around the corner. He always preached to me how important an eduation was, because he wasnt able to even finish jr, high before he had to start working. He always wore the same type button up shirts, blue jeans and velcro tennis shoes, black dress shoes if it was a important. He took pride in his family. At national jr. honor society he was so proud to stand up when they called my name. He even stood up when they called my best friend, Morgans name. Even though it was just parents that were supposed to stand up. He loved his family.

In 8th grade my dad had a stroke while I was at a softball tournament. Life changed. Instead of the dad that I had known all of my life, It was a dad in physical therapies and a Dad that couldnt really be left alone. My hero had gotten weak. I didnt think life could get much harder.

It wasnt long though that hard became life.

Thanksgiving 2003 my Mom woke up with the worst headache of her life. So bad that she insisted my aunt Rhonda to take her to the ER.I was rushed to get started on the Thanksgivng meal I didnt really say goodbye. Which still hurts my heart.She left the yellow house, never to return. I spent the day cooking Thanksgivng meal because I for sure knew it would be like everyother Thanksgiving once my Mom got back. I will never forget. When I was told that my mom had a brain aneurysm and my not make it through the night. I ran to my room, put on my tennis shoes and ran out the door. I ran as fast as I could to Morgans house. That night was the worst. When I walked into her room she was lifeless, I remember being the most scared I have ever been. The weeks ahead became the hardest on my whole family. My mom had a trache and couldnt talk. The only time she was able to talk was when I had left on a skiing trip. I hated myself for not being there when she was awake. I remember holding her hand a telling her to come back to us. But weeks went by and nothing. My family made the decision to put her on DNR, and I remember holding her hand and telling her it was ok to let go. No 15 year old should have to do that. One night while visiting she began to shake like crazy. We had the chaplen come in to pray, and i witnessed my mom being saved. Once he asked her if she believed Christ died on the cross for her sins. She stopped shaking and was calm. She had let Christ in her heart. On Jan 16th 2004 my mom let go. I was at home with my dad when the family called to tell me. It was the hardest night of my entire life. My poor weak dad lost his wife of over 50 years and I lost the best friend I had ever had. Seeing my dad cry like that was the hardest thing to see. So many people came to her funeral. It was beautful, yet the most painful day. I never knew pain like that was real. I didnt think that my heart would really ever heal.

I moved in with my Aunt Rhonda who lived next door. She is my hero for doing everything that she did for my dad. I helped but she was a rock star. He could not do anything on his own anymore, and had a broken heart, so I know it was hard on him to have others take care of him. My aunt while working full time did such an awesome job doing everything for him. But eventually he began to fade quickly. He had been diagnosed with dementia and the dad I had known my whole life was gone. The family decided it was best for him to go to the city hospital to make sure he could be taken care of 24 hours a day. Every visit was hard, sometimes funny because he would tell these crazy stories that he really believed happened.  My senior year my dad got worse and worse. He had to be put on hospice. It wasnt long before he had passed. I was 18 years old and both my parents were gone. I thank God for my Aunt Rhonda becuase she took me in and supported me.

You know I remember praying when I was little to please let my mom and dad live long enough to see me grow. I prayed that prayer so many nights and when they I lost them i was so mad at God. I was so mad that my dad wouldnt see me graduate high school, that my mom didnt get to help me shop for my homecoming or wedding dress. That my dad couldnt walk me down the isle or have a dance with me. I was so mad that the two people who took me in and made me their own had left me. It didnt take me long to know that being mad at God wasnt going to help me and that he has a plan.

I dont know who came up with the saying that "it gets easier as time goes on" becasue it doesnt. I have horrible days where i cant help but cry because i have a hard time remembering what they sound like, and what it felt like to hug them.I get so sad in the fact that Jax was never scared by my dad or got to watch my mom trace in a magazine while drinking coffee all day long. I long to see my moms big blue van pull into my driveway, or to hear my dad gripe about everything on the news.  I know they look down on me. I know that they are proud.  When Justin asked me to marry him, the next day i prayed and said man i hope my mom is watching. The next song on the radio was " I can only imagine" it was her funeral song. And few times since when im driving and i think of her that song will come on. It makes me smile knowing she is looking down.


I pray that my Jax and my new baby girl due in the summer has some of my parents in them. I pray that they are are hard working like my dad, and love to joke. I pray that they are outspoken like my mom and that they dont take crap from people. Id like to think I got some of those qualities. Im like my dad in the fact that I am to trustworthy and forgive to easily, but im like my mom in the fact that if you mess with someone I care about I will get you. I can only hope that I raise my kids like they raised me. So when you get the chance hug your mom and dad and tell them how much they mean to you. You just never know when it will be the last time.

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I hope that this helps know where I came from and why I am sometimes so emotional. I tend to hold onto people. I dont want to feel rejected. I just want feel like I belong. I am so blessed to have Justin and the family that I do. I have the best family in the world, and the best in laws. But sometimes  I still feel an empty hole in my chest, a pain that I know will never truly go away. I just have to know that no matter what I will see them again. And to live life in there honor.